Saturday, April 10, 2010

A Personal Vent

I am going to write...to myself (not too many comment on here anyhow). This is intended to be something I can look back on someday and hopefully laugh at and say "you were so dramatic back then Kasey." But for now, there are some thoughts that need to be taken from my mind and put down on paper in hopes to no longer think this way.
How do I get all these feelings out? How do I organize these thoughts to make actual sense? I guess I just start with the most fresh thing in my brain that is slowly starting to rot.
There is someone in my life, someone very close to me, that makes me feel like a bad mother at times. I try to do what I feel is best for me and my family. During my pregnancy I read all the right books out there, got lots of advice (even bad advice), prayed fervently asking for guidance and direction, and constantly asked myself if I had any idea what I was getting myself into, then quickly answering myself "of course I don't, but I cannot wait!" When Emery was born, I made a promise to myself and to her that I would do everything in my power to raise her the best way I knew how and just follow my gut instincts. In my opinion, I feel as if I am doing okay. This person in my life, makes me feel otherwise. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go about changing my situation with them to allow myself to be brave enough to confront them about how I am feeling. They need to back off. Give advice only when asked or maybe send me a word of encouragement every now and again. Then I think, well, what if they're right? Maybe I don't know what I am doing. Maybe I am just too stubborn to listen to other people's opinion in an optimistic way. Constructive criticism? No, I don't think that is what this is. I think it is just someone offering too much of what they feel too often. Trying to bring me down for who knows what reason.
Emery is the love of my life (other than David obviously), for those who are parents know that loving a child is a COMPLETELY different love than loving a spouse or any relative for that matter. I didn't use to understand this when I was younger. I always used to ask my dad "do you love Kim (his wife) more than me?" and his response was "I love you both differently." I was offended back then, I thought, "how could he? I have been in his life longer and I am his daughter?" But when I asked my mom the same question about her husband and myself, I received the same response. Dang! If only I knew then what I know now. I love Emery in a way I could never love my sweet husband and vice versa. It is incredible. With those adoring feelings also comes some pretty awful ones as well. You see, a friend of mine, that I have unfortunately lost touch with, had a tragedy in her home. She lost her sweet baby boy a couple weeks after Emery was born. She had a lot of complications with her pregnancy and her baby was just meant to be here for a very short amount of time. A few months. When I learned of this, it ripped my heart in two as if it was something I was experiencing with her. That probably sounds selfish, but just having a child of my own I was tremendously emotional and it touched so close to home with me. I could not even IMAGINE not having my little one in my life and here I was feeling so heart broken just the same. Ever since that day, I have had some pretty scary dreams and thoughts, unsure as to how get rid of them. I constantly check on my baby in the middle of the night that I have created an obsession about it, and I think it really gets to David, that is, when he is actually awake to realize I am being so crazy. I question things David does as he cares for her as if he didn't know what he was doing or how to be a father. It is terrible. The worst part of it all is, after reading my friends blog about her grieving process on a nearly day to day basis, i forget. I forget to be grateful. I forget to be kind. I forget to be patient. I forget to be forgiving. I forget to be loving. How could I forget? There are so many out there who would do anything to have a baby of their own, a precious family of 3 or more, and here I am, selfish, impatient Kasey, forgetting to be a gracious Daughter of God. How could anyone yell or lose their temper with a 5 month old baby? I have. I do. I am more than ashamed to admit it, but it is true. There have been a number of times within the last couple of weeks where I have literally felt like I was going to die of anxiety. I felt as if my heart was being ripped from chest and that I needed to crawl out of my skin as soon as possible or I simply was not going to survive through it. How can I feel this way? You tell me. I don't know what overcomes me. I don't know what it is that creates it and makes it escalate, but it is there, and for now, it is not going away. What do I do? How do I cure such pain? For not only me but those in my family who have to suffer through it? My poor Emery gets the bad end of the deal, when I lose my patience and decide to just walk away from her and let her cry to the point of hysteria. Kasey, how could you? As I write this I have an overwhelming feeling that I know what the answer is. God. God, please help me. I am not doing everything I can be to be close to God. I know there are so many things I must work on, and what is my excuse for not doing them? I am scared. I am lazy. And I figure, I become so far lost that the journey back is too hard to be worth it. But it is worth it. I need to get my act together. I need to be a better mom, and wife. Those are my duties in life. It is my calling. I want to do more. I want to be more sure of the things in my life that I feel I am doing right. I don't want people to question me. I want strangers to look at me and say "that girl looks like she has it all figured out" they should say "doesn't she look happy?" I want you all to know, I am happy. I know how blessed I am to have what I do in my life. It isn't a question of that. I guess it is all a question of faith, in myself, in those around me, and God.

8 comments:

AUBREEZE said...

i watched the video from the post before of your little dinosaur emery. and all i think is your family is so beautiful. david is such a wonderful dad and you are a lovely mom. i could watch you all day be a mom. you are good at it. you make me feel more anxious to have my own family. you make me anxious to see what wonderful woman i am going to become when i have a child. because even tho you have frustrations and fears and shortcoming you are a wonderful woman kasey. i am really proud of you. what you have made of your life is a treasure to me. i love it. i love david, and emery, and your home, and the way you play with her, and how hard you work every second of every day to take care of her.
i cannot wait to be in your home monday. i love being there.

i love you

Ryan and Melissa said...

You are such a great mom, Emery is lucky to have you! Call me whenever, but let's plan a time I can babysit, even if you don't leave!

Jill Rosenhan said...

Kasey, you are so amazing! I'm of course not a mom or wife yet, but you must know I look up to you. You are doing the best you can in providing for your family. Whoever thinks they can look and try to change that has no idea what you have asked for when you are on your knees in your personal prayer and with your hubby. You two have the bond to choose how you will raise your family and you have the motherly instincts no one else will for Emery(and your future kids), so keep on striving for the best like you are now! We all get frustrated and lose patience; Emery still loves you and looks up to you. Pres Uchtdorf said: "Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way for future opportunity, understanding, and happiness." It may be difficult at times, but always remember the people and building blocks that have been placed in your life that can bring you that happiness after the hard times :)

jenna♥devon said...

kasey you sound like me and every other mom! but remember that scripture that says Heavenly Father doesnt give us trials that we cannot overcome? whenever i start to feel overwhelmed, i just think of that scripture and prove to myself and satan(who wants me to think that i can't overcome this) that i can do it and i am going to figure it out. if you just think that every time you get anxiety or pressure then you will eventually not be so stressed. even though we dont hang out i can tell you are a wonderful mom. you are smart and awesome and i know that you take very good care of your family. i hope the person you were talking about wasnt me haha. i try to make you feel like a good mom when we communicate :) there are people in my life who make me feel like that too and i feel sorry for them because that is a reflection of their personality and i am glad i am not like that and making others feel badly. you are beautiful talented and awesome and i love you. call me or txt if you need anything.

Joe and Maren said...

Hey. I just read clips of this post...from what I read---you are NORMAL. I've been watching the little boy I nanny since he was 4 days old.... 7am-5pm 5 days a week and some weekend night....mostly a mom's "shift" (he's actually asked me a few times if he came out of my tummy or his mom's :) I kinda feel like I've been through the new mommy era somewhat. I've had times of frustration from the long period of crying whether collic or sickness or just baby cry, and anxiety from letting him learn to sleep in his crib and cry himself to sleep... and the experiences go on. Biggest tool I used and learned from my sister with 7 kids (ahhhhh 7 yes) is the absolute healing powers of a "Mommy time out". When you feel anxious, frustrated, angry, impatient, sad whatever--change the baby and feed them if they want it, lay them in the crib for nap/safe quiet time and then go to another room and breathe for a bit. Don't know if this helps but it really helped me that is until Chase learned to crawl out of his crib :)

taytum said...

I think you are totally valid in all of your emotions. I had people telling me how to do things with my kid (and still do) that I don't really want or even care to hear! haha. You figure out what works and is best for you and your baby!!! That saying....mother knows best....is almost always true I think. What works for me may not work for you. It doesn't mean I'm doing a better job or that you are either, it means we have figured out what works for us. If you ever want a mom to talk to that is someone close in age to you and has a baby just a bit older you should call me!!! I'll send you my cell number sometime if you want it.

Suzanne M said...

Kasey,
I know this is an older post but it just hit so close to home for me that I had to comment! When my daughter was born 2 yrs ago, she was the worlds hardest baby. I was always have anxiety and stress and would yell AT her for screaming. I would get so frustrated that I would have to put her in her crib and walk away. I had family members (one in particular) who made me feel as though my ways of parenting were bad and that I just wasnt doing enough for my girl to make her happy. I would cry and stress about whether I was being good to her or not but I learned a lot from that. I learned to listen to my heart and to the Holy Ghost. If I was honestly doing something wrong as a parent, I would learn to know the feeling and make a change in the way I did things. Emery is so lucky to have you as a mom, as I know (most days) my kids are lucky to have me. Being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job in the entire world and nothing can compare. You are doing a wonderful job with her and in the end, she will know that you love her and always will.

and now there are two said...

i love all of the comments from your friends. you ARE doing a wonderful job...we can all tell because of how happy she is & how happy you are. (nevermind those few moments ALL of us have as mothers...and nevermind comments from women who forget their manners)

as they say "if it weren't hard, the reward wouldn't be as great!"
(or something like that) Ü

i love you, kasey!