I am going to write...to myself (not too many comment on here anyhow). This is intended to be something I can look back on someday and hopefully laugh at and say "you were so dramatic back then Kasey." But for now, there are some thoughts that need to be taken from my mind and put down on paper in hopes to no longer think this way.
How do I get all these feelings out? How do I organize these thoughts to make actual sense? I guess I just start with the most fresh thing in my brain that is slowly starting to rot.
There is someone in my life, someone very close to me, that makes me feel like a bad mother at times. I try to do what I feel is best for me and my family. During my pregnancy I read all the right books out there, got lots of advice (even bad advice), prayed fervently asking for guidance and direction, and constantly asked myself if I had any idea what I was getting myself into, then quickly answering myself "of course I don't, but I cannot wait!" When Emery was born, I made a promise to myself and to her that I would do everything in my power to raise her the best way I knew how and just follow my gut instincts. In my opinion, I feel as if I am doing okay. This person in my life, makes me feel otherwise. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go about changing my situation with them to allow myself to be brave enough to confront them about how I am feeling. They need to back off. Give advice only when asked or maybe send me a word of encouragement every now and again. Then I think, well, what if they're right? Maybe I don't know what I am doing. Maybe I am just too stubborn to listen to other people's opinion in an optimistic way. Constructive criticism? No, I don't think that is what this is. I think it is just someone offering too much of what they feel too often. Trying to bring me down for who knows what reason.
Emery is the love of my life (other than David obviously), for those who are parents know that loving a child is a COMPLETELY different love than loving a spouse or any relative for that matter. I didn't use to understand this when I was younger. I always used to ask my dad "do you love Kim (his wife) more than me?" and his response was "I love you both differently." I was offended back then, I thought, "how could he? I have been in his life longer and I am his daughter?" But when I asked my mom the same question about her husband and myself, I received the same response. Dang! If only I knew then what I know now. I love Emery in a way I could never love my sweet husband and vice versa. It is incredible. With those adoring feelings also comes some pretty awful ones as well. You see, a friend of mine, that I have unfortunately lost touch with, had a tragedy in her home. She lost her sweet baby boy a couple weeks after Emery was born. She had a lot of complications with her pregnancy and her baby was just meant to be here for a very short amount of time. A few months. When I learned of this, it ripped my heart in two as if it was something I was experiencing with her. That probably sounds selfish, but just having a child of my own I was tremendously emotional and it touched so close to home with me. I could not even IMAGINE not having my little one in my life and here I was feeling so heart broken just the same. Ever since that day, I have had some pretty scary dreams and thoughts, unsure as to how get rid of them. I constantly check on my baby in the middle of the night that I have created an obsession about it, and I think it really gets to David, that is, when he is actually awake to realize I am being so crazy. I question things David does as he cares for her as if he didn't know what he was doing or how to be a father. It is terrible. The worst part of it all is, after reading my friends blog about her grieving process on a nearly day to day basis, i forget. I forget to be grateful. I forget to be kind. I forget to be patient. I forget to be forgiving. I forget to be loving. How could I forget? There are so many out there who would do anything to have a baby of their own, a precious family of 3 or more, and here I am, selfish, impatient Kasey, forgetting to be a gracious Daughter of God. How could anyone yell or lose their temper with a 5 month old baby? I have. I do. I am more than ashamed to admit it, but it is true. There have been a number of times within the last couple of weeks where I have literally felt like I was going to die of anxiety. I felt as if my heart was being ripped from chest and that I needed to crawl out of my skin as soon as possible or I simply was not going to survive through it. How can I feel this way? You tell me. I don't know what overcomes me. I don't know what it is that creates it and makes it escalate, but it is there, and for now, it is not going away. What do I do? How do I cure such pain? For not only me but those in my family who have to suffer through it? My poor Emery gets the bad end of the deal, when I lose my patience and decide to just walk away from her and let her cry to the point of hysteria. Kasey, how could you? As I write this I have an overwhelming feeling that I know what the answer is. God. God, please help me. I am not doing everything I can be to be close to God. I know there are so many things I must work on, and what is my excuse for not doing them? I am scared. I am lazy. And I figure, I become so far lost that the journey back is too hard to be worth it. But it is worth it. I need to get my act together. I need to be a better mom, and wife. Those are my duties in life. It is my calling. I want to do more. I want to be more sure of the things in my life that I feel I am doing right. I don't want people to question me. I want strangers to look at me and say "that girl looks like she has it all figured out" they should say "doesn't she look happy?" I want you all to know, I am happy. I know how blessed I am to have what I do in my life. It isn't a question of that. I guess it is all a question of faith, in myself, in those around me, and God.